today, right now

today, i was told i dont care about anyone.
today, i was told i hate everyone except myself.
today, i was told i am always angry at people.
today, i was told i am very selfish.
today, i was told i never think about what others feel.
today, i was told i just dont really give a damn about my family.
today, i was told i dont treat my parents as human beings.
today, i was told i dont treat human beings as human beings.
today, i was told i dont bother with people unless i need them to do something for myself.
today, i was told i only care about my computer.
today, i was told i hate people.

today, i cried.

yesterday, i thought about how grateful and happy i am with life.

days before, i promised not to cry and think about happy things.

but today, i felt that nothing like yesterday and the days before happened.

days before, i promised not to ask myself who i am what i love what i hate what i need what i care because amy zhang isn't like that.

but today, i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know what i do anymore. i dont know where i am anymore.

today, i cried again.
today, i heart burned again.
today, i wish like drowning again.
today, i lost my destination again.


do i love ? do i care ? do i smile ? do i wonder ? do i appreciate ? do i respect ?

today, i found myself asking once again like those years before;
why do you doubt that ?
why would you doubt it so much that you would discuss it with others ?
why would the only person who knows me like a transparent glass would doubt that ?
why would you think that i treat people like nothing. as if they were fallen paper, trampled on and thrown aside.

today, i walked away, feeling numb, in silence, my head swirling in the pit dark.
only replying unclearly, unknowingly and then setting more oil to the fire.
as the sparks fly,

today,

i once again walked away and looked outside calmly as if nothing happened.

but once again, my head exploded with pain, with images, with all you said, stabbing me harder and more painful than that of a knife.

today, your yelling, your screams, your blames, your profanities, again, numbed me and broke me.


i no longer get angry anymore. i no longer feel frustrated anymore. i no longer push the blame on you anymore. i no longer feel anymore. except for this lump in my throat and the tears.

everything else is just a black void.


you ask me if i am even still human.
i ask you, does this feel human ?