drowning

i have so much hmwk. its ridiculous. eng essay on fri. photography history research essay on monday. photography presentation essay tues. and im still not done that. haven't sang that much. danced at all. im taking dance lessons now. is it hip hop ? i think so. lots of hip movement LOL anyways, haven't got much done. and im only in grade ten. and my neighbour in grade 11 was like grade 11 is death, there's so much work. in grade 10 i'd always watch tv everyday, now i dont have anytime. and i already dont have anytime T_T cuz that was me in grade 9. how am i gonna survive grade 11 ?

Renewal

as you can see i deleted a lot of my blogs. after what happened to Jaebeom i think its best to not have anything so personal on the internet cuz its not professional. and i read over a lot of my older posts from 2 years ago.. and im sorry but i sounded gay T_____T
i'm not relaly like that, its just that i type exactly the way i talk so its.. weird but if you actually listen to the way i talk, its fine. obviously, i dont talk like that anymore thank you very much.
anyways.. i have an issue right now. somehow i can't view my blog, as in the actual site. i can still edit and go on my dashboard but i can't see it at all. at the bottom of the window it says its 'Done' loading but the window's blank :S so that's kinda weird. i really wanna seem my blog. i dont know why my computer's like this. facebook doesn't even work on my computer. it just SHUTS down the minute i try to go on my profile or anyone elses, or even homepage. a msg just pops out and say "There is an error, the window will be closing." so annoying :( i miss fb and my blog.

Leadja

its been a while since i last posted.
i realized that most of my posts are like really... depressing. and full of complaints. thats really bad haha.
so now im gonna be more positive in life. like honeslty, im a positive person but i complain a lot. y'know. i let it all out. usually.

_______________


now about our beloved Jay Park.
Jay, decide what you want the most, Oppa please. choose the one you are most happy with. Singing on stage or studying music and going thru all the training ALL OVER AGAIN. Oppa please, choose from the bottom of your heart. be selfish. i dont care. no one does. cuz you, of ALL people deserve this. So please despite all the hate, despite the unfairness, despite the hard work, despte the bad memories, choose what you LOVE best. you were happy in 2PM no ? i hope thru that you will find your answer. which ever it is. I will respect it from the bottom of you heart. Oppa, himnae, hwaiting ! HAENGBOKHASEYO !! JEBAL !! as someone who is NOT your fan i can say this unbiased. i will NOT beg you to come back, but instead, i beg you to DECIDE, MAKE A DECISION BASED ON WHAT YOU TRULY WANT, and then FIGHT FOR IT. HWAITING !!!

PEOPLE !! download this and fill it in and mail it to JYPE :
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ZT6FVLS8
Address: JYP center, 123-50, Cheongdam-dong, Kangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea.Postal Code: 135-955

untouchable.

got a fricken 81% on the math test.
like ew. T_T asian faaail xb


-------------------------
dont try to use me, or you gon get played

snip snip snip ;)

i cut my mom's hair yesterday !! hehe (i know shoulda posted this yesterday but psssh LOL)
but uh anyways, she was like i need to cut my hair and i'm like jokingly i'll cut it !! and she's like SUURE ! but i thought she was JOKING too, but she wasn't so it was really shocking LOL
my mom's getting more and more unpredicatble hmm... (is she spoiling me O__O)
but ya it actually TURNED OUT AMAZING !! like it's like short at the back but with long-ish side bangs, and front bangs, the front and side bangs look AMAZING !
the back looks like a bowl cut tho :( oh well... i think i did amazing, i mean i didn't cut off her ear or some skin, and she doesn't look hideous or anything and it WAS first time EVER !
i think i did amazing LMFAO !! and she was kinda happy too !! OMG i'm soo proud of myself HAHA !
now every person she meets i'm gonna be like do you like my mom's hair ? haha

Distractions

kso i fell for it.
i ended up watching Hana Yori Dango / Ggot-boda Namja / Boys Over Flower.
i couldnt help it... i hope i can like concentrate now..
omgaah XS i can't do this....
i need help !! i need to CONCENTRATE.
DAMMIT. and so life isn't all well for amyzee T_T

Korean Mid-Term

it was... i think i got prolley 70% ??
maybe... i totally screwed up the number part
and i wrote a looot of things wrong...
ugh... watever. wat's done is done ^^;

Non-Permitted Obssession

HANA YORI DANGO ~ !!!
GGOT BODA NAMJA ~ !!!
BOYS OVER FLOWERS ~ !!!

F4 ~ ♥ (FLOWERR FOURZ XD)
KIM HYUN JOONGIE ~ ♥ (the Yoon Joo Hi)
KIM BUMMIE ~ ♥ (the So Ee Jung)
KIM JOONIE ~ ♥ (the Soo Woo Bin)

and and and...
HAN CHAE YOUNG ~ !!! (the Min Seo Hyun)
she's SOOO pretty !! aaah XD

this is suuuuch an AMAZING DRAMA

but ... i can't watch it right now...
i have to much stuff...
no... THE TEMPTATION KILLSS !!!
aaaaahhhhhh!!! XO

AMY YOU CAN DO THIS !!!
RESIST ! RESIST ! RESIST !

Touched & Tore Out My Soul

credits : IngenuousDynnie

this tore my heart out...
thank you for the hard work.
you inspire me to do more
and be a better person
thank you for not giving up
i love you.

東方神起 加油!! ♥

Just Some Thoughts

Recently, I discovered a blog that someone made which has the entire Diary of Kito Aya (One Litre Of Tears) or most of it anyways, translated into English.

Note – I’ve seen the drama already and I cried so much my eyes were swollen for 36 hours afterwards. I’ve NEVER cried that hard before. I was literally sobbing out of control. I still remember it was so severe that it’s like indescribable. And whenever I thought about it again (after I finished watching it), I cried again. This kept on for like about 3 weeks or something (?). The drama like totally MATURED me. It turned me to a much better person I think. I started to respect and show respect to my parents (not that i didn't but it just went to another level)and started to respect everything else around me (not that i didn't before.. just got more intense). It showed the world to me from a different perspective (mygawd.. I’m tearing up again).
So for those who haven’t watch it, I’m not kidding. WATCH IT. It is something that CANNOT be missed. It’s those things that are so DAMN PRICELESSLY PRECIOUS. It’s not just another “drama”. It’s the value of life. It may sound corny now but seriously watch it. It starts out gay and happy and corny and cheesy but as you keep watching, your heart will start bleeding…

So it just made me think again, “Wow… there is so much in life that we don’t even notice.” God gave us so much. So much. Too much. After reading Angels and Demons (by Dan Brown, who also wrote the Da Vinchi Code), I just think that we’ve all been so bad, and God continues to forgive us and it’s like, sierously ! we DON’T deserve it. Like I feel so guilty about it that I just want Him to stop… if there was a way to repent and pay Him back, I’d take the offer anytime. Even if it means giving my life. (and I think I actually mean that… hmm… maybe.. ^^;) Love you, God.


Back to One Litre of Tears vs Myself :

I should like keep a diary. Or at least treat this blog as a diary y’knoe… but OMGOSH. I HATE like writing stuff that already happened. Maybe that’s not really the point. Like, not to brag or anything, I think fast (well, not “fast”, more like “ahead of myself”) and my hands (when I type) can’t keep up. Like I’d just stop typing and keep thinking on. So when I have to go back and type it out, it’s like UGH ! I hafta RE-THINK that and sometimes I don’t really remember everything (cuz my brain is crappy like that…) and I’m the type of person that is SIMPLE. I get RIGHT TO THE POINT in the EASIEST and CLOSEST way possible. I’m lazy. Period. LMFAO XD so when I have to do things like REPEATS and RE-DOs of like ANYTHING, it just TOTALLY LIKE PISSES ME OFF !! lmfao… but I think I’m gonna do my best and try.

My past excuse was that I felt like I have nothing “important” or “interesting” to write about. But after being reminded of Aya’s perspective recently, and seeing the world as how she see it and how we SHOULD see it, I realize there are a lot of things to write about : ) but I’m just too lazy.

I don’t like being seen as a person who thinks I’m the only one right, so I DO admit that compared to a person like Aya, I suck SOO MUCH. I’m disgustingly horrible. A MONSTER compared to her. (I’m not emo, I DO have some self-worth.) I KNOE I’m not gonna be able to keep this diary thing going up but I WILL try my best. (That vow will probably die off after a while and I’ll return to my former self.) but I WILL try my best. Push myself. And like wat Aya said, ORDER myself to do these things. Until one day hopefully, I will get rid of my “lazyness” and gain some INITIATIVE and start putting 100% in EVERYTHING I do. I don’t wanna lie anymore (and THAT is a story for another time… =.= I shall explain some other day… I’m such a horrible person LMFAO ^^;) and really WORK HARD and stop slacking dammit.

I’m smart but not a genius. So to gain the level of a SLACKING genius, I still need to work hard. I don’t try and I get 80’s (I’m referring to school…) if I actually TRY, I get like NEAR 100’s. and so instinct taught me to slack… -__-‘ I wanna get rid of my horrible self and find my REAL self and let it out (I’ll explain some other time…) and grow and evolve into a person at least HALF as good as Aya (maybe ¾ LOL I’m greedy like that ^^; something else I needa work on… *sigh…*). Hopefully, I’ll become a better person one day.

Something always crosses my mind when I think about that “evolving”. The principal I had when I was in my private school, (MR.엣으[S]) said that the person you are now is the person you will be when you grow up. At the time I was in like grade 5 or something so his point was just that become a good person, and you will be that person for the rest of your life. And now that I’m older, obviously he’s suggesting the fact that I can no longer change myself. And that kinda scares me (makes me worried, to be specific…) so I wonder if I’ll “evolve” or not. Oh well, like I said, I’ll try my best -_- 훼이팅!!! (I think that’s how it’s spelled LOL…)


Moving (back) on to One Litre of Tears & Aya :

I like how the “story” is like … I don’t know how to say it… like very easy to relate to kinda thing… I like how everything is downright realistic and I think that’s what made me cry SO HARD. Because I was able to put myself into her shoes and was totally able to connect to her. I also like how Aya wasn’t displayed as the God-like PERFECT being, y’knoe wat I mean… Like she was making mistakes (not huge ones compared to mine LMFAO XD) and she was also suffering. Like it’s like how in the Bible, it says how Jesus suffered this and that, but it doesn’t like actually mentioned he felt pain, confusions BLAH BLAH BLAH to make it easier to connect and understand (NOT that I mean God is wrong, *looks at cross* no, dear Jesus, you are always right) LMFAO. Like for Aya it’s more realistic and you understand that she’s very positive person, but even someone like her is struggling and being tormented by her “difficulties”. I think that’s a really big and important thing. I love her for that. Aya is like an ANGEL to me. Sent straight from Heaven. I say “Angel” cuz she’s just so positive. If it were me I would’ve totally sunken straight to depression and started bitchin at everything. It just really makes me THINK, y’knoe… Think about how she sees the sky, her mom, her familiy, walking, being able to go and look around at a bookstore, to do homework, it’s just MYGAWD I am blessed. I think I’m gonna cry again.

I just noticed how everytime I’m gonna cry I hold it back. Like I’m trying to bury something. I think it’s good to let it out once in a while. And take the time to just think about everything around you. It like relieves stress in a really weird way O__O and just like “open your eyes”… I don’t knoe… you feel “lighter” afterwards and start to smile again. It just feels like STRETCH, smile, sigh, look out the window, and murmur thank you about everything. ya… ^^;

GOSH. I’m soo sentimental. Is this wat you call being “romantic” I don’t knoe… LOL I have a lot of perspective. I see things from a lot of perspective and think deep about many things people usually wont even glance at. I think it’s a good thing in a way ^-^ (feels proud) *sigh..* life is good huh ?
*looks at cross* yup, life is good XP


Edit ~ !

I’m very religious. Has anyone else noticed that ? lmfao XD
Crap this was long haha ^^;
Anyone who read thru that *suddenly embarrassed* you all deserve a round of applause haha XD

Living Life To Its Fullest

i'm NOT sulky. and i dont hold grudges. sometimes when it seems like i do, it's just that i wanna make the person feel bad cuz it's my idea of "fun and torture" >x)

i think it's wrong and wasteful y'knoe. like brodding over a failure that happened. sulking about the past. like DAMMIT ! it's called the PAST so let it die away and be PART of the past. if you bring it to your present you'll ruin the FUTURE. and then you'll be left WITH NOTHING. and all that time when you could done something else, you wasted it all by sulking on things that already happened. like you CAN SULK like i'm not saying you ABSOLUTELY CANT. it's just dont like KEEP ON SULKING y'knoe... it'll tear you apart. it's like diggin a deep hole, and digging so deep that you get like stuck in the hole, unable to get out. like give yourself an escape route and get the hell outta there ! like MOVE ON WITH LIFE ! stop like standing there !!

Who am I talking to ?? o_O

; P

like Forgive & Forget or Move On & Forget. like be optimistic, might sound gay but like it's true, be optimistic, look on the brighter side of things (if there isn't any, FIND ONE SHEESH) and work harder to become better, learn from the things that ended up being wrong. that's wat i do... (but then i... knoe wat i need to do but i dont do it LOL ^^;)

I SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK HAHAHAHA >XD

yaap... and that's all i hafta say XD

Artists

i think they're amazing... i'm really starting to like respect every one of them. like whether they got in JUST because of looks or whether they went the hard way and got in by talent.
because being beautiful is a gift. because being talented is also a gift.

i really appreciate and respect all of them.

those who despite how they get in, still go thru the same torture and hell as the others.
for that, JUST for that, i respect and really admire them.
will i make it too ??? :(

SM AUDITIONS !! : D

maaan... i shouldv'e like written about this LOONG TIME AGO !
LOL... but because i am the procrastinator/ultimate slacker that i am, i didn't soo... yaaa... >XD
but to make it up, i'm gonna be REALLY detailed like just for me so i dont forget ANY of it : P

okaay... let me bring us baack :

i woke up that day EARLY by myself. like i honestly CANT wake up early, i'd need a SUPER loud alarm clock to do it. but i just got up and i'm like thinking to myself... wdf... ??? O__o LOL and while i ate my breakfast and got ready to go to my vocal lesson which i scheduled before the audition, i was like in a major daze. i felt liek i was in a dream and i felt all light headed... i felt no anxiety or anything O_O like i felt like it hasn't hit me or anything. it was soo weird. liek i was empty or something O__O

fast-forward to the vocal lesson :

Have i mentioned i hate my teacher ? yaa... ANYWAYS... the more i wanted to sing. like just sing more and more and more, the more the guy talked and talked and talked about the lamp, house, floors, metals, Chinese history, my parents, expensive and heavy stuff, EE TEE CEE LMFAO ! and apparently they had everything to do about singing and i didn't understand ANY OF IT. nothing he said improved me. i just had to observe carefully at wat he does and try copying. and he's like you need to SMILE. singing is HAPPY JOB. and i'm thinking, "ya, i'd smile and laugh if you were outta my sight T____T" LOL... in the end i just kept on singing when he was talking to like stop him from going any further lol... i'm gonna do that more and more... anyways... finally it was like 11:20am and i wanted to get there at like 12:00 so i just went and cut him off in mid-speech and rushed outta the door LOL... and in the end it took like 10 minutes to get there.

fast-forward to ALMOST arriving at audition place :

okaay... so we got there and past by the AWESOME ********** MALL and we kept on driving, looking for the place and after we got into this like "street" it was all shabby, messed up fences on the side, broken down factories and in the middle was church and there was some Korean girl that prolley didn't knoe howta speak English and i asked her where the audition was and she's just liek "eh ? uh.. eh ?" LMFAO... and i'm like O_O "THANK YOU VERY MUCH !" and i'm just like to my dad, let's keep driving around LOL XD and not even 100 metres away from the church was the actual place LOL and once again i will say SHABBY lol. it was like those random square-ish buildings that like cover 500 miles of space or something iono... LOL and i go up to the door with all the posters (and afterwards i hit myself hard for not stealing them T_____T since everyone else took em all....) anyways... the door was LOCKED and i'm like WDF ?!?! and there was a map posted there all SM style y'knoe y'knoe and then it was ALL in Korean and i was liek uh... yaa.... wat does that saay... ??? but then that girl from earlier was like screaming at me, BACK ! BACK ! and she made a movement of her arm indicating to go around the building and i'm like OOH ! THAANK VERY MUCH ! (and this time i actually meant it) and i ran to the back of the building while calling my friend from Saturday Korean class, asking where he was... (he was at the mall) i look around for a minute or two and FINALLY i see a DOOR WOOT ! and my friend came at like 8AM and he's like oh, is the door open now ? and i'm like YUUP ! hehe....

inside the building :

the setting totally changed and it just like hit me, even if it was shabby, the atmosphere was a professional building, and there were all these guys in suits and i'm like... my heart tightened whoaa... i was like suddenly all shy and nervous^^; oh and there were these AWESOME CUTE VOLUNTEER GUYS ! all hecka gorgeous ! where does SM pick em up LOL ?!?!? and there were some middle-aged women in formal dressing.... it's soo professional. this is my dream !! so i go thru the door and it just had this LOOONNG hallway and i'm walking to liek the centre of the hallway and there's like ppl crowded around there... and then i went into the "waiting room" and i saw my friends there and i went up and hugged her and jumped around and after that i fully CAME TO LIFE. i was SOO HYPER. i was like talktalktalktalktalktalk LOL XD and i saw my other friends there from saturday school who just came from saturday school. we went into the waiting room which was a lil room maybe the size of a meeting room iono... ANYWAYS i kept urging them to come to that mall and buy food with me. i saw my dad and he came and waved at me. he said some guy thought he was Korean hahaha anywaays i whined and whined about going to eat and finally one person agreed to come and off we went. and when i got outside, my dad was JUST DRIVING OFF. and i'm like HEY ! DAD ! wat's he still here for LOL !! so we caught up to him and he dropped us off at the mall and offered to wait and drive us back while we went and bought food and stuff : ) and we like LOOKED EVERYWHERE for the stupid FOOD COURT. the mall was really pretty... hehe only bad thing... only time i WANTED a McDonald's, they didn't have one there T___T the food court SUCKED ! so i just bought some sucky Manchu Wok T____T and ate half and gave the rest to my dad LOL... so ya while i was eating, my friend went and bought food for my other friends and i just sat there eating XD then we went back down while calling my first friend who was supposedly in the mall at the moment but he ended up heading back to the audition place already LOL.. so my dad drove us back to the audition place while i played with his GPS..

back at the audition place :

this time i TOLD my dad to go and he finally left. when we went into the waiting room this time, there were MUCH MORE PPL than before and my friends were like all in some kinda line up : ) and yaa i realized that they were giving out applications so i took one from the guy and made a big fuss about it and everyone said how big my writing was lol... i had to put my name in and an optional Chinese or Korean name so i made a big fuss about that too and put in my Chinese name in really awkward writing LOL... and then there was like school name, and address and i complained how both of em were super long names LOL... and then it said specialty, height, weight, and i think like nationality, ethnicity (which i REALLY dont see the difference.... ) and wat was your mother tongue ? have you had any experiences with this before (and my friend said it meant like if you ever joined an entertainment company or watever before) and then it was like how'd you found out about them. and i put Youtube LOL and it was like put your signature if you want your picture to be shown. oh and they asked for gender too.. so then we grabbed seats and that's when they turned on the thing that like advertised all of SM's artists and they played some music videos of them INCLUDING MIROTIC !! LOOOOL ! and of course me and everyone else sang a long haha... and ppl were using their phones and video taping it ; ) oh and i ate some of my friend's sushi... well it was only one -_- and then everyone like moved up to the second row and left me and i'm like WDF... T__T and yaa... so when one of them got up i went and sat in her chair and she kept pushing me to get off and i told her that's wat she gets for leaving the youngest alone >XP and i told her to find a chair or else i would and i asked this lady (middle-aged lady; could be my mom; i'm like wdf's she doing here ?? >.>) if anyone's sitting in the empty chair beside her (with a water bottle in it...) and she's like OF COURSE ! and i'm like... whoa... sorry.. LOL ... and then some girl in the front row turned around and i realized it was a korean girl from my school and i'm like HEEY !! lol and she's got this face on like wat am i doing here LMFAO ! and she's like uh... hi... lmfao it was funny and she asked me wat i was doing and i said SINGING and DANCING and she said she was DANCING and she was like in Visual Arts (my school's an art school so... : ) so i'm like COOL lol XD

AND THEN... those mini-POSTERS came. the SOLE REASON for half of the ppl in the room, CAME LMFAO !! so me and my friends just like exploded from our seats and ran to the application desk and WHOO ! it was all choas over there and the man kept on screaming to everyone and watching them closely and saying ONE of EACH ONLY ! and he would like jump at you if you take more and yaa... he was very protective LOL XD but then i realized taht i accidently taken two Kangta posters XP i missed the BoA one but that's okaay... on the back of every poster is a BoA pictures so : ) and so we were all like spazzing about them and just chilled and i talked and talked and talked... XP

ya soo... one of my friends (who was literally DRAGGED here to the audition) decided to act and model. but she needed a theme. i just told her to like ask the judges for a theme aka topic. and she's like wat if it's too hard or watever... etc. etc. so i thought of one for her. like you got into SM, and you're saying goodbye to your parents who you won't be seeing for a LONG time and she's like that SUCKS so i'm just liek FINE. wat if you're liek in SM... and she's like CAN WE GET AWAY FROM THE SM TOPIC hahaha and i'm liek FINE. you're CAT died and she's like i HATE cats.... and i'm like you're not even trying *groaaan* and then my other friend came over and she asked him and they gave her like a topic where her dad called her for the first time in iono... ten years or so... and she took after we all groaned and cursed LMFAO XD yaa and i helped her elaborated hehe >XD so she's practising and then suddenly, the girl starts CRYING and i'm like uuuh.... O___O whoaa... so i hugged her and all and i still didn't really know if she was scared or she was acting, i think it was both :)

and then the numbers came :

lol... i was like talking and the SM volunteer YOUNG GUY came and gave me the number. oh yeah.. did you knoe we had to fill out TWO apps ? i thoought one was for us to keep so i put one away but then we actually have to give in both so that was like weird ... 0_0 anyways i gave him the apps and he checked them to see if it was right or watever and then he gave me a number : D SIX !! i was like in the first group and my classmate was number 4 and my 2 other friends who happened to be sitting with me got like 7 and 8 and the girl's seat i took, like went over to talk to some friends and yaa... she got 20 something ^^; XP yaa... we all got like really excited hehehe >XD so i wanted to go practise since like we were the first group and like a lot of ppl from the other auditions complained that they didnt get to practise or warm up because they were in group one. and yaa i went to the washroom and the washroom doors... dont lock mm-hm -.- so i kinda like fussed about that for like 5 minutes and my friend (the "actress") waited outside and i went out to ask her to hold the washroom door for me and i see her crying. so i'm hugging her and she's calling this Kevin guy and yaaa : ) i wouldv'e cried with her if i wasn't soo happy. then we went back to the washroom after that and i did part of my dance and my friend was like ooh that's good but the moves are messy ^^; and i'm like yaaa.... i knoe... =.= hehe

the announcement :

ya soo like we went back to the waiting room, and an SM volunteer HAWTTAAY ! announced that numbers 1-30 to go wait in the "corridor" lol that's wat he said and i'm like hehe : P he said "corridor" XP and sooo we all lined up and the guy who gave us apps came and quadruple checked are numbers LMFAO. and while i was waiting i took out my iPod and started to listen to my soothing song, JAEJOONG'S Forgotten Season. but then i realize that it's not really helping so maybe i should just practise. and so i put my volume up to max and sang along to the Greatest Love of All.... but i kinda sing REALLY LOUD LMFAO ! and yaa.... my friends like had to poke me to shut up and everyone was liek staring at me LMFAO ! BUT i stiiiill wanted to practise soo... i like covered my mouth and sang and the my friend the "actress" was like it sounds like there's foaming coming outta your mouth and like you sound like you're spazzing or something LMFAO omgosh and then the nerves caame.... yaaap... i got nervous and i started praying; sign of the cross and everything LOL. but i really DID mean it ^^; i was just like. "why didn't i bring a cross ?!?! WHY didn't i bring a cross ?!?!" *whine whine whine* and then we like made friends with this other girl in line LOL... : )

the audition :

finally we were allow to go in. OH ! at first, the application guy let like one person go in (#1) but then i guess the judges told them we're doing it 10 at a time, so he came back out and we all went into the "audition room". I was just like YES ! we can audition. LOL ! i was HAPPY ! okay. so. the first thing i saw was the back of the room, like fully FILLED and covered with a bunch of BoA posters. and when i entered the room and turned i was shocked to find how YOUNG and pretty the lady judge was. i've NEVER seen a YOUNG judge/examiner like EVER. LOL. and then there's this guy beside him with a Staff name tag thingy on him. OH SWEET HEAVENS he was sooooo cuute and pretty OMGAAH ! beats all the other guys. OMGAH. he was beautiful. he looked KINDA like TOP but his facial lines aren't as sharp but smooth and soft kinda, and it's not as strong and masculine as TOP. oh gawd... he was BEAUTIFUL. ANYWAYS. the next thing i noticed was, "oh. look. it's a stove behind the judges. ... WDF ?! wat's a STOVE doing in MY audition room ?!??!!? oh shiit... *looks around..* we're auditioning .... in a.... KITCHEN ?!?!?!?!" oh dear lord... =.= LOL... and then i noticed that off the judge's table was hanging BIG SM POSTERS and around the stove and thingy were some SM AUDITION posters of DBSK & BoA (as if they were trying to decorate the place and hide the fact that it wasn't a kitchen LMFAO !) and so the lady was like really nice. smiled a lot ^__^ and just like said, "Welcome to SM Audition. Everyone please line up behind the yellow line (it was liek this tape thingy across the floor a FOOT away from the wall. and when we lined up again the BoA-postered wall, it fit like EXACTLY 10 ppl. like wall to wall and we were like 1-2 inches away from each other. that's how like SQUISHED and SMALL the place was -___-) I'm gonna record you with this camera, and you will say your name and your number and watever else you want." and then #1 went and the judge told her to come and stay in the middle and when she was going, i was like praying and doing the sign of the cross.. i have a feeling they caught that on tape O___O LOL ! watever... it was crazy nerv-racking... me and my friends were holding and squishing each other's hands. it was THAT scary. anyways, so #1 sang... kinda shaky i think.. i dont really remember... and i think she sang in English... dont knoe the song... and then after liek 30 seconds she was caught off. and then number 2 was a boy and OH GOD... i just felt SO BAD for him. he was Korean, did his intro in Korean and he sang... coughed REALLY bad, and then ask if he can start over and the lady was like ya sure... and so he sang again, another sang, coughed and cracked and kept going and cracked again and this time the lady stopped him with a lil look of "jeez T_T" on her face y'knoe LMFAO... and then #3 was a taller girl and she sang 3 songs from the chorus. all in English, dont knoe first song, sang reflections by Christina Aguilera, and then she sang Raise Me Up. she was okaay but... from wat i could tell... never taken vocal lessons cuz she wasn't like using the CORRECT way of singing ^^; and #4 was my CLASS MATE FROM SCHOOL ! and she said she was gonna dance and they took her CD and said that she'll dance later. and then her friend went (dont knoe her) and she sang SNSD's Into the World... and she sounded pretty much like Jessica... so it was kinda awkward LOL and she was like a little quieter than normal. and thne it was MY TURN HAHAHA ! i was just like no anxiety or anything. i was normal and i said i'm gonna be dancing and singing kinda seirously, so i gave my CD to the lady and i went back to the wall i did my intro, "Hi, my name is Amy, i am *looks down at number tag* number 6 *smile, smile*. and i will be singing the Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston." and then i just like exploded. "I DECIDED LONG AGO, NEVER TO WALK IN ANYONE'S SHADOWS" i literally felt like my voice echoing off the walls and just like filling the room with sound. i remember vaguely thinking maybe i should tone it down... i'm really loud LOL... but then i was like watever.. i like the sound of it... feeling my own voice bounce back at me : ) so i kept on singing and she let me sing for like 51 seconds ! (i just counted) and she stopped me like at the part where it's like "THE GREATEST LOVE OF--" lmfao... i guess it was like i accidentally modulated.. I was worried about that happening when i was practising.. but it was pretty smooth soo lol ^^; and when they cut me off i was disappointed right away.. i knew that they wouldn't have wanted me. like RIGHT away i lost hope... i was soo depressed... cuz they cut me off.. you know the feeling of being happy and excited and then suddenly depressed. its like taking drugs but instead of going high and flying to heaven, you go low and drop to hell, yet i still helplessly hoped. and then my friend the "actress" went. LOL when she was saying her number she said MY number and me and my friend who's like on the other side of the "actress" nudged her at the same time and we're like you're 7 !! LMFAO ! and she's like OH ! 7 sorry ! and the judge laughed hehe ya... and then she acted... i honestly thought she was crying but when she turned around she looked fine (later she told me she was holding back or something) and then my other friend sang that like Elvis song with the "Wise men say, only fools rush in", or watever y'knoe : ) and then the girl we met in line sang.. sorry.. i have no idea wat you sang LOL... and then this other semi-pretty girl and DAMN her intro was friggin TALKTALKTALKTALKTALK too long... and she sang in Chinese... it was like... not enough.. that's all i'm saying.. the quality was normal like Chinese ent quality. and Chinese ent music quality, i'm sorry but its WEAK. lol... yaa and bascily the whole time me and my 3 friends were holding on to each other's hands and clinging onto them... so then we RHYTHM tested to LOW by FLO-RIDA&T-PAIN. i was soo happy cuz the other song is Disturbia and i was just like soo praying it'd be LOW lol... and yaa i just totally like went into it. and fully enjoyed myself and gave it my all y'knoe ^^; but i saw the lady having the cam showing the semi-pretty girl and ya... i think she was turning to wards us buut... i was too into the dancing to really look. i just like ignored it and gave it my all : ) and then DANCE TIME. my classmate danced first to MIROTIC and she was like doing the sexy dance and all and all club-ish y'knoe y'knoe... but i have to say... she was GOOD at it. and then MY TURN AGAIN i just asked the lady if i could move up and she's like ya sure. so i did and i did my routine messed up around like... 0:07 LMFAO ! i added a move when i'm not suppose to LOL... but i didn't even notice until AFTER i did the move and i just like kept going and my friend said it wasn't like noticible : D anyways i was totally enjoying myself and they cut me off, she cut me off after 28 seconds and i was like.. uh... LOL... i guess she was tired of holding up the camera cuz in my routine i moved around a lot... i didn't like stay in one place and ya... i guess she got pissed from moving with me... iono... watever. it was awkward cuz i was in the middle of like doing an arm swinging thingy and she stopped me in the middle so really awkward cuz my arms were like everywhere LOL XD and when i turned back my friend was like that was really good and i'm like really YAY ! hehe.... and then the semi-pretty girl danced she was allowed to go on for so long. i guess it was cuz she was pretty T_T it okaay i guess ^^; and then she sent us all back and no one stayed behind... and i knew like right away... like my depression and disappointed got worse... *sigh.... ohwell...* so we all got out of the room and i wanted to say good bye but the next group coming in blocked me

after the audition :

so we walked out and i'm like skipping and stuff and super hyper active and OF COURSE everyone was looking at me XD and ya... we went back to the waiting room to tell like my other friends how it went and stuff : ) and then i went looking for my Soompi friends and i only saw like Psychotic_Otaku and j-tan03 ^^; and yaa.. then a dance battle started between this soompi guy i think he's like rayrayyxue on YT and this other guy. i remember thinking the ray dude, how fricking GIRLISH he was. like its not that he was pretty, he acted liek a weak girl. it kinda was cute but it was also.. eew.. y'know. and everyone looked like they liked him, and my friend was like crazy over him. its just like WHY? HOW? T_T

there was a lot of people around how some were just chilling, some were practising on their guitars and singing. my friend called herself an oppa.. i met other friends who we laughed and chilled with.. asked my other friends who was like 120+ how's he doing.. we went in and out of the practise room.. talked some more and hung out.. then finally we kinda left.. it was sad saying bye. thinking about it makes me hurt. the depression, which i tried to concede, spilled out as soon as i parted with my friends in the subway station. and then i sulked and hoped helplessly.

the reflection after some days :

i was depressed but really, i felt like i learned and experienced a lot. from my mistakes, my embarrassement, from everything. it felt good and complete even though i sulked. it would never be something that i would regret doing. hopefully i will get in eventually.

I'M LEARNING KOREAN ~ !

YAA ! so i'm in highschool and well... here's the THING. there's this Saturday/Night school course for INTERNATIONAL languages and you can take the course and get EXTRA CREDITS and on the language options, it said KOREAN !
CRAAP !! I WAS SOO EXCITED !! WHOOO HOOO !!!!
KOREAN LESSONS !!! YES !! FINALLY ~~~
and they are gonna staaarrrtttt
THIS SATURDAY !!! is that AWESOME !! omgosh i CANT wait !
and like most of the asians in my school are KOREANs so they can soo HELP me !! LOL!
THIS WIILL BE SOO FUN!!! and plus ! i get CREDITS ehhehe
(only if pass.. ) LOL ! hopefully i will XD

SHOWCASE AUDITION !

so the only reason i signed up for my school's showcase audition was to get a feeling of how it feels when i audition so i can be prepared for the SM GLOBAL XD
and, i was nervous but GOSH ! i like that feeling. (surprised? me too XD)
it's just soo... exhilarating. it's FUN. it's EXCITING. i like standing there on stage liek that. omgaah I WANNA GO BACK THERE AGAIN ! XD
oh and the realy really really cool thing is, my school hired a PROFESSIONAL DJ guy with his super HIGH TECH SOUND SYSTEM with PROFESSIONAL WIRELESS MICS !!!
craaap do you know how cool it was ??? it was just sooo awesome. the sound that came out of those HIGH TECH speakers were just sooo... WHOA ! there's no way to describe that feeling. it was like in HEAVEN ! i LOVED it !!! it was just like music all around you !!! KYAAH ~ ! hahaha XD
at first i wasn't used to using those professional mics and it like projected my voice so i couldn't really hear it properly... : ( but yaa... it surprised me the way my voice kinda like "changed" O_O at least that's how it sounded like to me XD
so i was caught off guard and then like totally sang in a different pitch then the instrumental one BWAHAHAHA >XD that was sooo FUNNAY HAHAHA !!! LMFAO ! but then i got back on tune on the hooker : ) hehe and then i kinda got the verses mixed up and kinda like panic a little and sang in the wrong pitch AGAIN ! HAHAHA LOL ! and then i got back again in the hooker.... hehehe
it was ffuuuunn : D now i know what to watch out if i get a nervous-attaack LOL !
hehehe it was fun ! I LOVE SINGING !! and now i can say that with FULL CONFIDENCE !!!

SM ~~~ !!!! I'M COMIN' ~~ !!! hahaha *starts singing Rain's I'm Comin'* hehhehe XD